Do “The Rules” work or is it just playing games?

By • Aug 21st, 2008 • Category: For Women

A few years back (actually 1995) a book called “The Rules” came out and hit the best seller list. This book instructed women how to land a guy who will fall head over heels in love with them and give them a ring shortly thereafter.  There was much debate and publicity about this book because it advocated some manipulative tactics on the part of the woman to make the man fall in love. A few years later, there was also some media attention because one of the authors had a divorce with her husband, which put into question some of the ploys advocated in the book.

Basically the book encouraged women to play hard to get and make the man chase her in order for him to fall completely in love with her. While I do advocate some scarcity at the beginning of the relationship in order to take things slow, this book completely took things to another level. Here are some examples of the advice given in the book:

  • Don’t talk to a man first, and don’t ask him to dance
  • Don’t stare at men or talk too much
  • Don’t meet him halfway or go dutch on a date
  • Always end phone calls and dates first

And here’s the big one:


So what are we to make of these rules, and is this a good technique for finding true love? First, I don’t encourage any game playing if you are trying to find a good, honest relationship. When I advocate scarcity and non-neediness it’s for the dual purposes of taking things slowly and being a better person yourself, so that your partner finds you even more attractive. Whenever you do false things based on some arbitrary set of “rules” such as not calling or returning calls, not contributing to a date in any way, acting aloof and unconcerned, you are actually hurting, rather than helping yourself.

Here’s why:

Ladies (and this goes for men as well), what you are actually attracted to in practice is far different from what you are attracted to in reality. First, if your ultimate goal is to find a great, high-quality guy chances are your techniques will back fire. A high-quality guy has choices. He has experience, confidence, and a good sense of self. He is qualifying you as much as you are qualifying him. He probably has several girls who he is talking to or who are interested in him. When you convey disinterest in him, he most likely will assume that you are genuinely disinterested and will move on to someone who is easier to deal with.  If you think that acting disinterested will cause him to chase more you are assuming the following: 1) He has few or no other choices, 2) You are of a much higher quality than other women he knows and 3) He has had an opportunity in only one or two brief dates or interactions to assess that you are a high-quality woman who is worth madly pursuing.  If you don’t give of yourself and let him see your true personality and nature, he has nothing to base his judgments on to decide that you are a prize- rather he will go for the most simple solution, which is that you are uninterested.

Second, let’s assume that you do find a high-quality guy who falls madly in love with the pursuit of the chase and starts acting compliant and falling into your venus fly trap. Here’s where the “be careful what you wish for” situation applies.  Once you have this guy following your terms, complying with all your needs and desires and obeying all your wishes, something suddenly changes- he somehow becomes less attractive and perhaps, even grotesque to you because the confident attractive guy you thought you had captured has turned into a weak, spineless shell of a man. And here’s the rub: NO woman wants a man who she can control.  So by managing to capture some hapless guy by manipulative tactics, you are actually getting the opposite of what you want- you are getting man who is not confident, aggressive and in control, but rather a man who is obedient, passive, submissive and easily controlled. Is this actually what you want? If you think so yes, then I can only encourage to try it in real life and see how fast you run.

Ladies, remember, there is no quick fix to finding a great guy who is great relationship material. Instead of trying to play games and manipulate a man, why don’t you try to work on yourself and be the best person you can be. Hit the gym, find some new hobbies, meet some new people, buy a new dress, experiment with some new makeup applications. Be the most desirable woman and a highly desirable man will want you without any games or nonsense. Be the most desirable instead of pretending to be, and you will attract the kinds of guys you want, rather than the kinds of guys who are easily manipulated or fooled.

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