Ladies- should you make the first move?

By • Jun 10th, 2009 • Category: For Women

You just met a cute guy at a party, you’ve been talking to him for over half an hour, he’s charming and a good conversationalist. You’d love to see him again after the party, he seems interested in you, but he’s just not going for the number. What’s wrong with this guy? Or you’ve already exchanged numbers and more than a week has gone by, but still no word. What is he thinking? Should you make the first move?

Well, first, I’m not one for sticking blindly to old social mores and customs, so on first glance, I would say to go for it. What do you have to lose? But on further glance, there is a lot more wrong with this scenario than meets the eye.  To get a better understanding of why, we need to simply take a look at evolutionary biology to see the ways in which both sexes adapted to the mating game. As I’ve detailed in countless other articles on this site, a man’s biological imperative is to assert his will on his life. This is not to mean that he is supposed to assert himself over other people to their detriment, but simply that he is to achieve “mastery” over his own life.  This leads to qualities that women biologically admire- confidence, charisma, assertiveness, self-control. What this also means is that he is wired to engage in the “hunt” for that which he desires, including women.  In other words, the male sex has evolved in such a way that over eons of time, if a man didn’t proactively go for what he wanted, he would never have anything.  So men are instinctually conditioned to proactively approach women rather than wait, to proactively engage with women and to initiate. Over the years, men who did not do this were doomed to a lifetime of celibacy, never procreating, which is the biological imperative of all species. It just so happens that in today’s modern, less harsh society, where people live far longer than ever, this biological imperative is less apparent than when we as a species evolved, when people rarely lived past their 30s.  It is less apparent, but it still exists. What does this have to do with the subject at hand?

Simple- men whose teeth you have to pull to get them to ask you or take you out are men who do not possess the male traits that naturally satisfy a woman.  Either that or the guy is “just not that interested.” Which do you prefer?  If the guy is not interested, then you are at a dead end and a period of pain dealing with that form of rejection. However, let’s assume for a minute that the guy is genuinely interested, but doesn’t have it all together to work up his courage. What will tend to happen in the end is several outcomes: 1) You will constantly be pushing the guy along, only to end up in an unsatisfying relationship trying to “change” and “coach up” your guy into the man you want him to be or 2) The shy guy (who will most likely be inexperienced, since they usually are) will take all of your efforts for granted and find himself wondering why you were so easy for him to get (since he usually has a much harder time with women) and will suspect that something’s wrong with you. Either way, you are setting yourself for a great deal of frustration.  You will soon find that you can’t “change” someone into being an idealized version of themselves unless they are initiating the change and that as a woman, the last thing you want to be is taken granted of in a relationship.

My advice? If you really are curious about this guy, take a small initial step to probe him out, because after all at this initial stage you do have little to lose.  Give him a nibble and see if he bites. Text him once or send a quick email and see what happens. If he takes this crack in the door and blows it wide open, then you might just have a guy who will pan out, but if he doesn’t respond, or even worse, follows your small step with a hesitant step of his own, just move on, there’s nothing to see here. Don’t waste your time and save yourself the heartache in the process.

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