Trust your gut instincts

By • Mar 18th, 2009 • Category: Dating

Have you ever been in a relationship where something just didn’t feel right, where something was just off? Did you try to rationalize it, come up with reasons why your gut feeling was wrong, that everything was actually quite perfect and you were destined to be with your partner, that he or she is just the embodiment of perfection? Well, how did that work out for you? Either that relationship is long dead and over with or you are still in it, feeling worse than ever. Which is probably how you found this site in the first place.

There are different levels of thought. There is conscious and subconscious thought. There are different levels of conscious thought and subconscious thought, but let’s just focus on conscious and subconscious as the focus of this article. Subconscious thought deals with the thought process below the surface of that which we are willing to admit to ourselves- this is the world of dreams, gut instincts and sudden, creative inspiration. Conscious thought, for our purposes, applies to the stream of dialogue that occurs in our heads.

There are some areas where conscious thought is absolutely productive and essential for us to achieve or overcome a problem- for example, making a logical deduction, creating and testing a scientific hypothesis or explaining something rational to another person. However, in many cases, conscious thought fails us miserably. You see, as a byproduct of our inner dialogue, conscious thought is rife with the misconceptions, biases, and lies that we tell ourselves. For example. such thoughts as “I’m not good enough”, “that outcome would be terrible” and “things have to be this way” are all things we tell ourselves and then those distortions affect the rest of our inner dialogue detrimentally.

As another example, let’s suppose you have been told over and over from a young age by your parents that you should be married and have a family by age 30. As you approach this age, this becomes a part of your inner dialogue since this has evolved into one of your ingrained beliefs. As a result, this faulty thinking will pervade all of your inner dialogue and strongly affect all of your decision making, not necessarily positively. As a demonstration of negative consequences, let’s say you find yourself in a lukewarm relationship with someone you don’t truly love just as you are approaching 30 and your gut instincts start telling you something is wrong. However, since your gut instincts come from subconscious thought you shift into conscious thought to try to understand your feelings. This is where you fall into a grievous mistake. Your conscious thought is where all of your jumbled up, completely messed up and mixed up thoughts lie and then they start looking for rational sense out of things. And this is what happens- you were told at a young age that you should be married by 30, so your inner dialogue tells you that you must get married, your gut instinct battles that and tells you something is wrong, your inner dialogue steps in and tells you how awful it would be to be single and unloved at an old age, you cringe in fear, but still your instincts are on red alert, then your inner dialogue says that you don’t deserve true happiness and who’s to say what true happiness is anyway, then you realize that in your gut you are unhappy, but your mind tricks you into thinking that you are wrong for feeling this way since your partner is such a great person with a good personality… but yeah, something is missing… but surely it must be me, and I’m surely guilty of thinking such bad thoughts about such a great person as my partner… but what if I find I don’t love them when we are married, I don’t want to get divorced…. then logic comes in and says would you rather be single and lonely? Then… then, you say screw it, I’m not getting any younger, I’m gonna marry this person.

Then you’ve just made the single biggest mistake of your life.

And it was all because of the silly inner dialogue, full of faulty thinking, that talked you into it.

Remember, your gut instinct is telling you something for a reason. Learn to trust it. At the very least, take a step back and look at it properly objectively without trying to hammer it back to submission. You’ll be much happier that you did.

15 Responses »

  1. Wow you just described in perfect detail the last three years of my life! I ended the relationship and am finding myself questioning the decision and my gut. Your article helped me to remember that my gut is right and I need to wait for the right person. It’s just hard when the other person is trying to make you think that you have committment issues. Thanks!

  2. This article was inspiring and jayme’s comment was so comforting. I’ve been stuck in a relationship where my partner has convinced me that I have “commitment issues” and that he’s a perfectly trusting guy. I’ve been miserable. Going back and forth every day for months on end has left me exhausted. This is the push I needed to end it.. for good. Thanks.

  3. you have really encouraged me to move forward with confidence in my decision. The intuition is a powerful tool!

  4. this article was written about me.

  5. Great article, helps me see things clearer now. I think i am in a right relationship.

  6. Thanks so much! I was in a relationship for a while with a guy who seemed cool at first. But then something seemed to be off, but I couldn’t quite pinpoint it. Others around me said they thought something was odd too, and that I should not let my guard down with him. I trusted my gut instinct and ended the relationship (after some other odd things happened as well). I still wonder what exactly was going on, but I guess if you have a strong, gut feeling that something isn’t right, you should not ignore it! Thanks for the confirmation of that.

  7. This is exactly what I needed to read, thanks. I made the mistake in the past of ignoring my gut instinct and three years later caught him cheating on me 3 months before the wedding. He came across to everyone as a ‘nice guy’ and I let him talk me into the relationship, but when I look back, all the warning signs were there at the beginning – I really wished I’d heeded them. Now, 7 years later, I’ve been confronted with the same type of person, ever so charming, tells me that it’s ME who has the problem with trust/commitment, “but let’s be friends” (while trying to worm his way into my mind) and the alarm bells are ringing very loudly – just have a haunch he’s not what he appears!! I’ve just told him I want to cut all contact as I don’t trust him at all and from what I’ve seen, he’s not sincere. My gut instinct was telling me to get him out of my like completely and that he’d hurt me. This time I’ve listened to it and this article has confirmed I was right and to stop doubting myself.

  8. It is crazy how someone can be so wonderful with no major personality flaws and yet your gut feeling says something is wrong. I went back and forth in a relationship and broke up twice. It hurt her and me a lot. Not sure what the gut feeling was trying to tell me, but this article let me know that I am not alone!

  9. My ex broke up with me because he had this feeling that you were talking about. And looking back on it I did too. I would get so upset because i know that something wasn’t right but the thought of not having this amazing guy in my life was awful. In the end I guess his inner voice spoke louder than mine but in the end I think it was for the best. Who wants to be in a relationship that you have a constant “we’re not right for each other” feeling.

  10. If I had only listened to my instinct years ago that told me something wasn’t right, I would have been spared all the hurt, and emotional abuse and anguish (I thought it was me, that i was lossing my mind) I suffered for over 17 years by marrying a covert narcissist. Now I am divorced and I am having a difficult time learning how to trust myself and my instincts because I have denied them for so long. I find that I am continually falling prey to the same type of men – who con me, lie to me manipulate me and tell me that I am wrong for feeling what I feel and believing what I believe. They mess with my mind and my emotions. Thank you for sharing this, it has given me great insight as to how we suppress our instinct.

  11. Can u Trust your gut instincts during your pregnancy?

  12. Should you trust your instinct during your pregnancy

  13. Yep!

  14. I came on this site just to read up on instinct. I’ve been seeing someone almost three months but something’s not quite right. I know deep down that long term I won’t be happy with him. He suppresses his feelings and don’t show any major inkling that he’s THAT into me. Although the sex is great, it’s not enough to keep me there. I want to feel and know that I’m truly desired and appreciated.

  15. At what point do you know it is your instincts talking or you have what is known as relationship obsession compulsion disorder where you always doubt your relationship and your feelings for the other person who is nothing but loving?

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