You’ve been dating for a while, but he won’t commitBy Relationshiplab • Sep 16th, 2008 • Category: Articles, For Women
You’ve been dating your guy for a while now, over a year. You’ve been dropping hints about wanting a more serious commitment, but he acts like he just doesn’t get what you’re trying to say. It seems that, as far as he’s concerned, he could maintain the status quo indefinitely and wouldn’t even mind. You love him and want to stay with him, but yet you don’t want to waste your precious time staying in a dead-end relationship that’s not going anywhere. What should you do?
First, this ties in perfectly with an article coming out this week on this site, which is about what is the biggest factor in determining relationship success. Hint- it has to do with your plans for the future. In order for any relationship to succeed, both partners have to be on the same page as far as their life goals and ambitions. If one of your goals is to get married and start a family, and he doesn’t share that, then the relationship will never succeed, or if it continues, it will be in under very unhappy terms.
The key is determining both partner’s future goals, and that starts with COMMUNICATION. Some experts advise against stating your desires for marriage to your guy for fear of pressuring him and scaring him away. As far as I’m concerned that’s ridiculous. If marriage and family are important to you, then it is absolutely essential that you make it clear as soon as you are certain that that’s what you want. The key is to communicate it in the most rational, sensitive way possible. You NEVER want to give ultimatums. All that will do is cause an argument and create hostility and a negative mindset, preventing further discussion. Ask your partner if marriage and/or children are one of his near-term goals. If he says yes, you’re on your way. If he says no, then take the opportunity to express your point of view.
Here’s a good way to phrase it- “Thanks for sharing the way you feel about that, I really appreciate you sharing your feelings like that.” (This will create a comfortable environment for you to share your feelings and will encourage him to communicate more openly in the future as well.) Then say- “I would like to share with you how I’m feeling about it right now.” (Use the word SHARE, it is a powerful word used by sales professionals to induce a more receptive state.) Then you could continue with your feelings, but keep it honest, yet not overly aggressive or assertive- “I’ve always wanted to have a family, but I never felt ready until having met you and being in this relationship. It’s important for me to get married and have a family one day and I feel like I’m moving closer to being ready.”
See how he reacts. The point is that this is about your life and what YOU want and what YOU need. Don’t be afraid to state what you want and ask for it. You will never know the answer or be closer to getting what you want if you don’t communicate your needs. Once again, DO NOT be afraid to be very clear on your needs, only you can live your life.
If your guy is unreceptive and this is something that he clearly doesn’t want, you have several choices. You can hang in there for a while and see how things develop, or leave. Once again, don’t threaten to leave if he doesn’t do what you want, that creates an ultimatum and not only will you not get the results you want, but you’ll be seen as highly manipulative and controlling. Best thing to do is give yourself some time, give yourself a deadline of how long you are willing to stay, and then gently revisit the issue at that time. If the guy is still unreceptive, you can leave knowing that you’re not getting what you want out of the relationship and that you gave yourself the time you needed just to be sure.
It’s your life and you need to do what makes you happy. If a dealbreaker for you is someone who smokes or takes drugs, you won’t date them or you will clearly communicate your viewpoint if someone you are dating starts to engage in those activities. Same thing here. Don’t be embarrassed about conveying your needs. Be very clear and direct. If being with a guy who doesn’t want to commit is a dealbreaker, then break the deal. It will hurt at first, but you’ll be much happier in the end knowing how much time you saved getting out of a dead end relationship.